This is a tough one.

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm literally in denial. I burst into tears at the doctor's office. My mom is the strongest woman I know. There's no way that at just 52 years old she's being told that we're running out of options. Three years ago, I was so optimistic. When Dr. Thomas first walked into our appointment and told us she had cancer, I thought "this is it". She told us that they believed it was in the beginning stages and a hysterectomy should cure it. After we picked mom up from her hysterectomy she told us the bad news.. it had spread outside the uterus. After meeting with the doctor again she suggested we do radiation and chemotherapy. That made me optimistic. I was like "Yeah! We'll do that and then we'll be good!" I remember the appointment after all those treatments and another cat scan, and she told us that more tumors grew. I've gotten sick of this shit. I've been in denial and so optimistic for so many years. I refuse to believe that we're running out of options. I read a fictional book once "The Probability of Miracles" by Wendy Wunder.. and this girls mother was so optimistic that she put her into so many trials and finally moved her to a "magical" place where no one is sick. I wish this place was real! I'm just like this mother. I would do anything to make it so my mom could stay here, forever. I would try trials, special diets, traveling to different places. Now I'm just scared. What happens if she goes? What if I'm not ready for that? Cause I know I never will be ready. What if she never meets her grandchildren? She always wanted to take me to Italy. She always wanted to travel the United States in an RV for the summer after I graduated college. I hate that this happened to her. I'm scared. I've never known a life without my mom. I never went away to college, I've always lived within 25 minutes of her and I've always seen her atleast once a week. I can't lose her. I just can't. The doctor says we're running out of options. She spoke about what to do if something happened, like her heart stopping. She's never really spoken like this with us before. We would always joke about something at every appointment. Or atleast be upbeat. I knew the second she walked into the room, it was serious. I asked if we were her only patients because the waiting room was empty. She told us no, that she was working through her lunch. She mentioned that she had lost her appetite. I see why. None of this is easy. They've been the best doctor and nurse we've ever had. I'm not ready to let them go either. I'm not ready to lose that office. I'm not ready to lose my best friend. I want her forever. I want her to teach my kids how to speak Italian. I want her to watch my kids like my grandmother used to watch me. I want her to continue making cute little outfits for them. I want her to continue teaching me how to cook. I just want her to continue. I want her life to continue. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I may not have to say goodbye for another 6 months or hopefully another 60 years, but I'm not ready. I will never be ready. I want her to roll me down the aisle. I want her there to help me say yes to the dress. I want her to help me plan my wedding. I want her in the room with me when I have my babies. I want her there for me when I make Jordan sleep on the couch because he's been out with his friends all night leaving me alone with the kids. I want her here, forever. I've said this a million times already but it's still not enough. I want her to help me build a house. I don't want to be talking about putting things in my name that way it's easier when she dies. I don't want to discuss what she wants done at her funeral. I don't want there to be a funeral. I don't want there to be an endgame. I want a forever game. I need a forever game. I've never had a best friend for 24 years. She is my best friend. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I just don't want her to go. By this point, I'm just rambling. So I guess I'll just end this post.