Anger. It's a scary feeling.

This is going to be some random ass entry. I just need to vent. There's only like three people that I can be absolutely open and honest with when it comes to feeling about my mom. In their own way, they know what I'm going through and don't judge me. If they see me upset, they'll just wait for me to say something. Those three people are Sam, Sara and Lindsey. And I went to two of those girls today. With an hour and a half left of work, I got upset and teared up. After that, basically all hell broke loose. Two cashiers, a manager and a fellow CSL all asked me what was wrong. When I say "dont ask".. it means stop. I understand that you care, but I'm not comfortable talking about it. I don't want to break down on the sales floor. I still have an hour of my shift left that I need to get things done in. Coming into the office and asking if I want a hug, no.. I don't. I just want to be left alone. I hate it even more when people continue poking at it when they see tears coming down my face. Obviously I'm not joking. Everyone deals with things in their own way. Yes, I'm sad that my moms got cancer and I'm terrified but I'm more angry than anything else. Angry that it happened to her. Angry that she has to deal with it. Angry that no matter what I do, I can't help her. Angry that I have to see her in pain. Angry that she can never get comfortable. Angry that she can't get her knees replaced. Angry that who knows how much longer she has. Angry that who knows how many more different chemotherapy treatments she can do. Angry that we don't know anything. Angry at cancer. I'm not angry at anyone at work. I'm not angry at my boyfriend when he complains that I won't open up. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry life. I'm angry at God. I'm just angry at everything. Why would I want to take that out on my boyfriend/coworkers/friends/family? But it happens. It happens alot more than it should. If I push you away and it hurts you, I'm doing it out of love so that I don't say something that I don't mean and that I can't take back. Most of you don't understand what I'm going through. Most of you have siblings and/or another parent to lean on. I don't. No one is going through exactly what I'm going through. My cousins have an aunt who is suffering, my grandmother has a daughter who is suffering, my aunt/uncle have a sister who is suffering. No one else in my family has a mother who is suffering. Unless you are EXACTLY in my position, and with my depression and with these thoughts that I wish would go away, you don't know what I'm going through. I'm just angry.