This is a tough one.

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm literally in denial. I burst into tears at the doctor's office. My mom is the strongest woman I know. There's no way that at just 52 years old she's being told that we're running out of options. Three years ago, I was so optimistic. When Dr. Thomas first walked into our appointment and told us she had cancer, I thought "this is it". She told us that they believed it was in the beginning stages and a hysterectomy should cure it. After we picked mom up from her hysterectomy she told us the bad news.. it had spread outside the uterus. After meeting with the doctor again she suggested we do radiation and chemotherapy. That made me optimistic. I was like "Yeah! We'll do that and then we'll be good!" I remember the appointment after all those treatments and another cat scan, and she told us that more tumors grew. I've gotten sick of this shit. I've been in denial and so optimistic for so many years. I refuse to believe that we're running out of options. I read a fictional book once "The Probability of Miracles" by Wendy Wunder.. and this girls mother was so optimistic that she put her into so many trials and finally moved her to a "magical" place where no one is sick. I wish this place was real! I'm just like this mother. I would do anything to make it so my mom could stay here, forever. I would try trials, special diets, traveling to different places. Now I'm just scared. What happens if she goes? What if I'm not ready for that? Cause I know I never will be ready. What if she never meets her grandchildren? She always wanted to take me to Italy. She always wanted to travel the United States in an RV for the summer after I graduated college. I hate that this happened to her. I'm scared. I've never known a life without my mom. I never went away to college, I've always lived within 25 minutes of her and I've always seen her atleast once a week. I can't lose her. I just can't. The doctor says we're running out of options. She spoke about what to do if something happened, like her heart stopping. She's never really spoken like this with us before. We would always joke about something at every appointment. Or atleast be upbeat. I knew the second she walked into the room, it was serious. I asked if we were her only patients because the waiting room was empty. She told us no, that she was working through her lunch. She mentioned that she had lost her appetite. I see why. None of this is easy. They've been the best doctor and nurse we've ever had. I'm not ready to let them go either. I'm not ready to lose that office. I'm not ready to lose my best friend. I want her forever. I want her to teach my kids how to speak Italian. I want her to watch my kids like my grandmother used to watch me. I want her to continue making cute little outfits for them. I want her to continue teaching me how to cook. I just want her to continue. I want her life to continue. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I may not have to say goodbye for another 6 months or hopefully another 60 years, but I'm not ready. I will never be ready. I want her to roll me down the aisle. I want her there to help me say yes to the dress. I want her to help me plan my wedding. I want her in the room with me when I have my babies. I want her there for me when I make Jordan sleep on the couch because he's been out with his friends all night leaving me alone with the kids. I want her here, forever. I've said this a million times already but it's still not enough. I want her to help me build a house. I don't want to be talking about putting things in my name that way it's easier when she dies. I don't want to discuss what she wants done at her funeral. I don't want there to be a funeral. I don't want there to be an endgame. I want a forever game. I need a forever game. I've never had a best friend for 24 years. She is my best friend. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I just don't want her to go. By this point, I'm just rambling. So I guess I'll just end this post.

Anger. It's a scary feeling.

This is going to be some random ass entry. I just need to vent. There's only like three people that I can be absolutely open and honest with when it comes to feeling about my mom. In their own way, they know what I'm going through and don't judge me. If they see me upset, they'll just wait for me to say something. Those three people are Sam, Sara and Lindsey. And I went to two of those girls today. With an hour and a half left of work, I got upset and teared up. After that, basically all hell broke loose. Two cashiers, a manager and a fellow CSL all asked me what was wrong. When I say "dont ask".. it means stop. I understand that you care, but I'm not comfortable talking about it. I don't want to break down on the sales floor. I still have an hour of my shift left that I need to get things done in. Coming into the office and asking if I want a hug, no.. I don't. I just want to be left alone. I hate it even more when people continue poking at it when they see tears coming down my face. Obviously I'm not joking. Everyone deals with things in their own way. Yes, I'm sad that my moms got cancer and I'm terrified but I'm more angry than anything else. Angry that it happened to her. Angry that she has to deal with it. Angry that no matter what I do, I can't help her. Angry that I have to see her in pain. Angry that she can never get comfortable. Angry that she can't get her knees replaced. Angry that who knows how much longer she has. Angry that who knows how many more different chemotherapy treatments she can do. Angry that we don't know anything. Angry at cancer. I'm not angry at anyone at work. I'm not angry at my boyfriend when he complains that I won't open up. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry life. I'm angry at God. I'm just angry at everything. Why would I want to take that out on my boyfriend/coworkers/friends/family? But it happens. It happens alot more than it should. If I push you away and it hurts you, I'm doing it out of love so that I don't say something that I don't mean and that I can't take back. Most of you don't understand what I'm going through. Most of you have siblings and/or another parent to lean on. I don't. No one is going through exactly what I'm going through. My cousins have an aunt who is suffering, my grandmother has a daughter who is suffering, my aunt/uncle have a sister who is suffering. No one else in my family has a mother who is suffering. Unless you are EXACTLY in my position, and with my depression and with these thoughts that I wish would go away, you don't know what I'm going through. I'm just angry.

So, It's been a while..

So it's been a while since the last time I posted. Almost eight months to be exact. I can't really say that things are getting better, but I can't really say that they're getting worse either. Mom is still on chemo but we've changed it at least twice since the beginning of the year. Her one leg still is swollen, they say it's lymphodema. The cardiologist says that as long as the other leg doesn't get swollen, then it's not heart related. We actually had an appointment with her oncologist today. Mom has been feeling like crap A LOT lately. She basically only goes out to go to doctors' appointments. It's actually really sad. So since that incident back in January, Mom still has her ostomy bag. She's doing much better with it now. After months of figuring things out, they found something that fits right and she doesn't have an allergic reaction to. Well, she still has side effects due to her fistula (thats more than likely spelled wrong). Well, it makes it so that way she bleeds every so often. Well, at first she was only bleeding one every couple of weeks. It's gotten so frequent recently that it happens almost everyday. By the way, yes I do realize I keep saying "well..". Any who'sers. The doctor said that, between the amount of pain that she's been in lately (which almost always stays at a 9 on the 1-10 scale), and that her blood count markers went up, she's going to be getting another catscan. So Monday night she's getting admitted into the hospital for a catscan on Tuesday. Thursday we will be getting the results of the catscan, discuss another plan of action regarding chemo and then meet with her pain management doctor again.

To say that these things are scary, is an understatement. I have yet to get used to this stuff. It's just become routine. Not a routine I ever hoped to get used to. However, my depression has been so much better. Apparently you don't realize you have depression until you start thinking some crazy thoughts. Not that I think I'm clinically depressed or could actually be "diagnosed", but the things that I was experiencing were not normal. After talking to a few friends that have depression, venting to friends, crying my eyes out and being with Jordan, it became bearable. Right now, I'm actually excited to clean and decorate for fall and Christmas! But let me please explain to you how annoying and hurtful it is that someone who is supposed to be a close friend said "You're just overreacting". Like, no I'm not. And still sweeping it under the rug eight months later! There's a reason why we're not friends anymore. If you can't respect me and my feelings, why are we friends? Actually, while talking to someone at work who I thought may have gone through the same depressing feelings, she became one of my closest friends. She'll ask how my mom is, how I'm doing with everything, and she'll just let me vent/scream/cry to her. Which is NOT attractive on the sales floor. I'll even go visit her at work if I'm having a bad day just so she can brighten my day.

It's been a long day with lots of feelings but ugh. Making and keeping friends shouldn't be difficult. And I shouldn't have to want to slap you from across the table. How about we just don't say stupid obnoxious things that sound your like implying my mom's going to be dead in the next couple years. Yeah, that'd be great. Feelings over.

Christmas, New Years and a terrifying week.

Lets start this out with a positive note. For Christmas my uncle, aunt and two little cousins came up! Soooo exciting! I love seeing my little cousins! They pretty much light up my life! Also, me and uncle are so close.. I hate that we live so far away. Anyway! Positive thoughts! I spent Christmas Eve with my family and then Christmas Day I went to Jordan's moms house and then we went to his dad's house for Christmas Day dinner. It was probably one of the best Christmas' ever. And it was so nice that Jordan's family accepted me like their own! They got me awesome gifts too! [Side note: Chemo the day after Christmas was a good chemo day.. even with mom's neph tube change.. just an early early day!]


Now on to some shittier news.. December 30th, at around 4:00 mom texted me saying that I might have to take her to the hospital. She was waiting on a phone call back from her doctor. It's gonna sound disgusting but she was pooping through her pee hole. Not a good sign right?! Yeah, I didn't think so either. That plus her constant up and down fevers, the doctor wanted us up at Highland. After finally getting there at 7, they did an ultrasound on her legs [her leg was swollen], doing an x-ray, and trying to cath her, they decided to keep her overnight. When we got up to the room they tried flushing her and did an ultrasound on her bladder.. after all of this, it was about 2:30 and she sent me home. All day on New Years Eve, I was freakin' out. I mean, who wouldnt? On New Years Eve or Day, they did a catscan. They figured out that what happened was that the tumor that was wrapped around her colon shrunk because of the chemo [YIPPY!], but it made it so that it ripped a hole in the bladder and colon. Because of that, there was an opening and everything was just flowing back and forth. A few days ago, they put in a colostomy bag for my mom. Since then, she's been in bed. She's got her catheter, nephrostomy tube and colostomy bag now. Plus she's hooked up to oxygen and those leg things to make sure she doesn't get any blood clots. When they did surgery though, rather than bringing the stretcher up, they brought her down in her own bed. Well, because of that, when they shifted her over.. they pulled a muscle in her back so she hasn't been able to really move or get out of bed at all. Physical therapy hasn't really helped at all either. Because well, they suck. She's supposed to come home Wednesday and have a follow-up appointment on Thursday with her doctor. However, this morning mom told me that her doctor said that if she can't get out of bed by Wednesday, then she's gonna have to go to a home. 

Yes, a home! Do you know how crazy that makes me?! My mom is one of the strongest people I know! And before this stupid cancer came around, she was supposed to get her knees redone! We had the surgery scheduled! She was on the road to being her normal self again. Now she can't even catch a break! I'm literally fed up with God, the spirits, everything! I don't remember the last time I went without crying. It's been atleast a week. I have cried every. single. day. And honestly, probably even longer than a week. And I'll break down anywhere. In the shower, sitting on the couch, laying in bed, driving down a highway or my favorite.. while at work. I hate to sound like a terrible person.. but I see all of these people that get sick with cancer or whatever and they bounce right back. Or they've got so many people doing all of these benefits for them. And I'm just chillin' here. Taking mom to and from appointments by myself, working a part time job, she's retired and can't work, and there's no other income coming into the house. And no one really asks us if we need anything. I don't want to sound like I'm asking for a hand-out, but a little help would be nice. And no, I'm not about to ask for it. Because I was never a sports star or my mom was never a part of the PTA or whatever, it's as if people don't care. Or think about it, I guess. I'm not really sure. To say that my emotions are all over the board are an under statement. And well, yeah, I snap a lot. And I'm not proud of it. End Post.